Mental Vacation

Been home for a week now. Mostly been enjoying the comforts of home and my favorite old hangouts. No matter what kind of mood I'm in, I always find some comfort in a Douce France Chai. Despite the exhaustion and re-adjustment, I am really happy to be home. This is my first shot at a "vacation" in almost a year, and for the first time I really feel like I need it. As my family keeps telling me, I need to go to Shanghai refueled, rested, and ready to go.

I'm a little more than two weeks away from getting on the plane to Shanghai. I haven't packed, I haven't even thought about the transition that much. I'm living in a satisfying limbo where I can just relax for a week or two. I have, however, been brushing up on my Mandarin. I'm going into 152 Mandarin, so I can't forget everything I learned during summer session.

That's all for now... just taking a break

和平，爱，安全的旅行
(Peace, Love, Safe Travels)

Saturday night, I had a blast.

Though a few months ago my plans for this particular night were completely different, I still found myself crying through gut-wrenching laughter. My twelve and nine year old cousins had apparently never played MASH, the age old game of creating potential futures. After a few test runs, we stayed up far past everyone's bedtimes imagining pet jaguars and fantasy spouses. Troy, much like my sister, goes through various fixations on new or exciting things. If it were up to Troy, we would have played MASH until he couldn't hold his head up. Game after game, we laughed until our sides hurt. Finally, I pulled the plug when yawns started to outnumber laughs. I put my younger cousin Troy to bed (reluctantly, to say the least) and stayed up with Taylor, the twelve year old. Finally, after a long discussion about the horrors and trials of the middle school social scene, she finally drifted off to sleep with (hopefully) some renewed confidence in her own ability to rise above the mean girls and the bullies.

A very wise woman once told me that 7th and 8th grade are, across the board, terrible years. No one at age 35 looks back and says "gosh, what a great time! I wish I could still be in middle school!" I wish I could shield Taylor from the next few years of awkward, dramatic and often brutal social scenarios, but I know she'll come out stronger and better for it. She's about to start growing in ways she can't even imagine. She's got the double threat of intellect and looks paired with a very sweet nature, making her an obvious target for those girls (and boys) looking for someone to take down. All I can do is tell her it will be ok and try to be there for her as much as I can.

I didn't really consider what it would mean to have my family close by while in college. At first, I would see my relatives every couple months, just to check in and hang out with the kids. After the first few visits, I started to babysit more regularly and come over every couple weeks. Not only was I becoming more involved with the kids and their lives, but I was able to spend more time with my Aunt and Uncle and use them as a true source of support and love. I didn't expect to have such strong support from my extended family while in college, but I am so grateful for it. I'm really going to miss them while I'm abroad.

Once the house went silent, I curled up on the couch with a few luxuries of the real world: a full fridge, a big couch, and HBO. A few episodes of True Blood later, I realized how different my life would have looked just a few months ago. I was supposed to be in Colorado that night, reuniting and celebrating the end of the summer. Instead, I was embracing my inner kid and fantasizing about driving a Giant Grape as a car and what it would mean to have 37 and a 1/2 children. This Saturday night of babysitting might not have been on my agenda, but sitting there in a laugh-induced coma surrounded by people I love, I didn't want to be anywhere else.

One week left in LA. That was fast :D

Transitions

It feels like every time I figure out a really good routine, I have to change it. My mother told me recently that I'm not good with transitions... she might be right. I tend to get anxious and start reaching out for anything solid or stable.

I've finally got this whole living alone thing down, mostly from trial and error. For instance, if I don't plan out my meals, I'll end up buying and then wasting groceries. If I overfeed my beta simply because he has a large appetite, he will bloat up and die a perfectly happy obese death (alas, Jesus.) Also, if I choose not to get my car washed because I don't have time, I'll ruin my white pants when I attempt to close my car trunk. If I choose to spend a Saturday night at my apartment, I better be armed with books and some basic activities or I'll end up with a container of ice cream, sad playlists or a slew of Alias re-runs, and some really fantastic (later regrettable) text messages. Lastly, you can't go see every single movie currently in theaters or you'll end up bored on a Sunday night with no options except the movie about talking Gerbils. Oh the things you learn when you have to be responsible.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I'm going to develop a routine in Shanghai. The most daunting aspect of living in China (for me) is that no matter how many months I live there or how good my Mandarin gets, I will NEVER blend in. I'm 5'2, blonde haired and blue eyed. It's just not going to happen for me. The most I can hope for is that people will take me seriously... but even that's a stretch. I guess that's the fun of the experience. I'll be living in the "Paris of Asia," full of culture and life, so who really cares if I ever find my niche?

Maybe it's not about finding a niche. Maybe, for the first time, it's about not being attatched to anything and simply floating for awhile... we'll see.

Starting the countdown

I have a little over a month before I get on a plane for Shanghai.

Last night, while enjoying summer tapas with Chloe, I couldn't help but wonder what's coming next. We were talking about the future, about what our future summers will be and what we want to do with our lives (though seemingly heavy dinner talk, this is pretty typical of Chloe and myself.)

Last weekend I went home to hang out with my wonderful parents and ever-supportive friends. I've always found that my best mirrors are my friends and family, because when I'm with them I can see myself not as I am, but as was and how I could be. I went home because I was tired: my work week had consisted of heavy projects and long hours and emotionally I just was, as Chloe so accurately put it, coming apart. So, I jumped on a plane and headed back to my refuge, filled (as always) with parental love and home cooked food. I saw both Kate and Zoe for lunch that weekend. The best part about coming home to two of my closest friends is that no matter how hard I try, I can't hide what's going on with me. I sat next t0 these two girls who know me inside and out, and I could no longer ignore the mess I'd let myself turn into. I needed the reality check.

The beauty of still being in California is that I can unashamedly go home for weekends. There will be so many years in the future where this is either not possible or no longer acceptable, so I figure I'll enjoy the years of running home to my family while I still can.

I also joined a more intensive gym class. I swear, this breakup weight is going down. I will no longer be haunted by the four pound ring sitting gently at my hips, reminding me of the late Saturday nights with my two breakup companions: cookie dough and Trader Joe's raspberry sorbet. I admit this is a common occurrence in my post breakup routine: relax and eat, let my body heal itself, and then get angry. Angry not at the person, no, but angry that I can physically see someone's damage on me. This anger forces me to kick my butt into high burn mode, often in the form of a kickboxing class or a new training routine. It's a vicious cycle, but it works.

These past months in Burbank have been incredible to say the least. Working a full time job has given me a new appreciation for the lovely and previously overlooked luxury of summer. I've spent countless summer hours at different camps, thriving in the fresh air and enjoying some time away from the rest of the world. The change of pace has been great, and I can't say how much this job has meant to me. In more ways than one, this job saved me this summer. I've got a few more weeks to savor this slice of life, but I'm really excited to pack up my Mini and drive back home.

... But now back to real life. I have about a month to get myself together before I get on a plane, and my Mandarin is sadly become a bit rusty ( 9 hour days plus workouts don't leave much energy for the ever-wonderful Chinese character memorization.) This next month is just going to have to be whip-into-shape time...here we go

Living my own, grown up fantasy

I think we all have ideas about what it means to be a "grown up."

...In middle school, I would sneak Sex and the City episodes (for which I would be eventually caught) and fantasize about living a glamorous, single life like that of Carrie Bradshaw. I imagined days filled with lunch dates, impossibly stylish size zero outfits, and late nights running around New York City. To my thirteen year old self, life as an "adult" meant freedom, fun, and zero accountability (accompanied by endless funds to pursue all my wildest material endeavors.)

Well... here I am almost 7 years later. Things are quite different.

First, Carrie's shoes are expensive, painful, and rather impractical in the California heat.

My summer days are filled with phone calls, meetings and projects. I adore the experience, the work and the people. Working in Entertainment can be incredibly glamorous, especially when it involves premieres, presentations to clients, going to show tapings, and driving around the Lot. Of course, there are days when I get to be like any other intern, organizing portfolios and making copies. One of the biggest perks of this job is that I am surrounded by incredible role models. These women (and a few men) are professional "working" people; tirelessly devoted to their jobs. My bosses are both single, intimidating women who pursue success relentlessly. Castilleja would be so proud. Not only have I traded a fictional character for real women, but I'm choosing to take my summer freedom and put it to work in exchange for invaluable experience. I thought the thrill of just getting this job would be the highlight of my summer... but that was truly just the beginning.

Size zero is another story. Even living in a city where superficiality is as standard as the smog I breathe, I refuse to give up food. I refuse to drink black coffee as a meal, forgo pasta, or turn a cliff bar into a daily supplement. Would I love to be that non-existent size of my once coveted idol, but I must settle for six day a week workouts and healthy eating. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and accept that health, not beauty (though that's nice too), is all you can do for yourself.

Am I grown up? Hahaha absolutely not. However, I'm getting there. I have a lot to learn, plenty of mistakes to make and hopefully some lucky breaks along the way. I'm not living the Carrie Bradshaw fantasy; I'm living my own. I pay my credit bills in full, I frequent Whole Foods instead of Nordstroms, and I treat myself to long phone calls with friends and novels versus the wild New York all nighter. Tame? maybe. Happy? most of the time. Worth it? hell yes.

What I guess I'm beginning to realize is that with this new self-accountability comes a sense of personal pride and high self-expectations. Though I could choose to simply "get by," I choose to work and live in pursuit of something far greater: fulfillment. Life isn't about living the Carrie Bradshaw dream. Life is about never settling for those things you know you can have... life is about wanting more than a picket fence and great photos. Well, I don't know if that's what LIFE's about, but it's what I'm planning.

The Beginning

Next year is going to be a big year. In less than three months, I plan on packing up my life and moving to Shanghai, China. I plan on living, travelling, and learning in China for the coming year. Not only will I be abandoning the comforts of familiarity, but also the luxury of being close to my family and friends. I am trading these comforts for new opportunities, potential life-long friendships, and the chance to change my life.

This year, 08-2009, has been huge by itself. I started college, fell in and out of love, learned how to be happy, and started over. To date, have spent almost one full year in Los Angeles, California. After a year of school at the lovely Pepperdine University, I somewhat unexpectedly chose to stay in LA. I decided to stay over the summer and purse an internship at Warner Bros. as a Media Marketing intern for some of the most incredible people in the entertainment industry. I set out this summer with no big plan. I just followed an opportunity to something I dreamed about only months ago. I hit the ground running and take every day as an extraordinary gift. That's what I'm currently doing. Alongside my ever wonderful and incredibly supportive roommate-best friend Chloë, I am slowly yet surely becoming an adult.

I hope to use this blog to keep my friends and family at home updated on what I'm doing this year. I'm starting now so that I can chronicle the preparation, experience, and eventually the conclusion to this journey.
I'm happy to say, this is only the beginning.